[Goanet-News] FOOTLOOSE: Derek Almeida's The Bomb Within (Gomantak Times/Weekender)

[Goanet News]

FOOTLOOSE / Derek Almeida
---------------------------------------------
The bomb within

Gomantak Times, June 1, 2008

IT WAS ON Thursday that members of the Goa Bombard Abhiyan
met in a secluded room in Caranzalem to bomb the interim
report on the Regional Plan and declare war on the Task
Force.

"Brothers and sisters," said Sauceter Castro, the loudest
leader of the pack, "we must bomb the interim report and
fight the government, with arms if required."

"Yes," said Mingle Tingle. "I agree with Sauceter. We must
withdraw from all negotiations with the Task Force and bomb
the interim report...."

Provin Savarkar and many others put up their hands to express
solidarity with Sauster and Mingle Tingle. Others put up
their arms to scratch their armpits. Oskar Guevara, the
undisputed leader of the pack, was undecided.

"Alright," said Oskar. "If you want to bomb the interim
report, so be it. Now, does anyone have bombs?"

He hardly finished his sentence when all those in favour of
bombing the interim report emptied their pockets. The
exercise took about 15 minutes. Oskar looked at the arsenal
before him and frowned.

There were 17 forks, 22 spoons, 11 butter knives, 12 rolling
pins, a bottle of snuff, 19 heavy duty paper weights, five
bottles of feni and six of whiskey, nine staplers, some
sticks and stones and a box of pins.

"What are the feni and whiskey bottles for?" asked Oskar.

"If we mix both we could make some Moltov cocktail and then
bomb the interim report," said Mingle Tingle.

"This will not do," thundered Oskar. "If we have to do a
perfect job, we will need dynamite to bomb such a volumnious
report."

"If you want dynamite, I can get it for you," said a baritone
voice in the corner. Everyone looked towards the voice as
Shreedhor Tope stepped into the light. "As a fisherman who
fishes at night, I know everything about TNT."

Sauceter and Mingle Tingle were delighted. "This is
excellent. After we blast the interim report, we can send a
message to the press saying, 'the interim report sleeps with
the fishes.'"

"Fish don't sleep," said Tope in his baritone voice.

"They sleep at night," insisted Saucester, "or else how do
you catch them?"


"Let's not get technical about this," said Guevara, "we shall
get Claude Lenin to do a study on the fish, after which we
will take a decision on who sleeps at night. In the meantime,
where is the dynamite?"

Tope threw one stick kof dynamite on the table. Everyone,
including Guevara, ran out of the room. The last man standing
was Tope. Anyway, to cut a long story short, everyone
returned after having a cup of tea at Sagar's gadda.

After the group had reassembled, Pat Gama and Ritu Besant
raised objections about the use of violence against the
interim report.

"I am against violence," declared Guevara. "I therefore
suggest that we tear the interim report."

"Technically speaking, we cannot tear the copy," said Pat,
"because it is a soft copy. However, we could take printouts
and then tear only those pages which are objectionable...."

"Nothing doing," shouted Sauceter. "Down with those who are
against bombing."

This was enough for Sauceter, Provin and a few others to
revolt. They jumped over the table and attacked the ladies.
In the melee, Mingle Tingle picked up a butter knife and
stabbed Oskar seven times in the abdomen. Oskar feel to the
floor, clutching his belly. Sabrina Devi rushed to his
rescue, but in vain. He was finally picked up and placed on
the table. A priest who was also part of the group moved
forward to administer the last rites. Rita and Pat cried.

Five minutes later Oskar woke up. "He's alive," yelled
Sabrina. Mingle Tingle kept looking at his butter knife and
back at Oskar who was enraged. Then all hell broke loose
again. Oskar attacked Tingle Mingle, Sauceter hit out at
Sabrina, Provin latched on to Rita....

The fight might have continued if the priest had not
suggested that the meeting be adjourned for a cup of tea.
Everyone rushed to Sagar's gadda for a cuppa and returned.

There was suspicion all around. The trust that once held them
together was broken. However, in the larger interest of
saving Goa, they sat around the table.

"I told you, the butter knife wouldn't work," Oskar told
Mingle Tingle. But he paid no attention. He was bent on
bombing the interim report. He quietly lit a cigar, took a
long drag and tossed the match on the table. Sabrina was the
first to react, but she was too late. The dynamite stick
exploded.

Oskar lost six teeth. All the hair on Saucester's head was
burnt. The lenses on Mingle Tingle's glasses were cracked.
Sabrina looked funny with one eyebrow and the lower half of
the priest's cassock was reduced to ash.

Provin, who was short of one ear, looked at the priest and
said, "So you do wear pants under the cassock?" No one paid
attention.

"Who tossed the match?" Oskar coughed as black smoke emerged
from his mouth. Everybody looked at Mingle Tingle who kept
shaking his head from East to West.

All hell broke loose again.

SEND YOUR COMMENTS TO derekalmeida at rediffmail.com or SMS 9850209604